Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Four Horsemen of the Facebook Apocalypse

Oh fucking God, No! It's Mark "Alfredo Linguini" Zucker-Borg's worst freakin' nightmare! Four freakin' Democratic senators wrote a goddamn freakin' letter - a letter, godammit - not an e-mail - we're talking deadwood, pen and ink, snail-mailed (or FedExed, they can't be that much behind the times) - saying how displeased - displeased - with Faveborg's new policy of sharing user info content with advertisers.

"Social networking sites have become the Wild West of the Internet," Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) said in a letter he wrote Tuesday with three other senators — Michael Bennet (D-Colo.), Mark Begich (D-Alaska) and Al Franken (D-Minn.).
Really? Jay-zus jumpin' age Key-rist, I mean, when's the last time anybody has compared any part of the freakin' Internet to The Wild Freakin' West, what, like, 1999? Nice way to state your case, Gran'pa Schumer, wunnerful how shakin' your finger anna givin' out the stern warnin' izza gonna' stop ol' Zuckybaby from tryin' to make money from this humbug Page typesetting machine pyramid scheme social network phenom. Of course all the usual paranoid schizoids with great acronyms are filing this and that with the Federal Trade Commission, my fave being the Electronic Privacy Information Center or EPIC, get it, I knew you would, which is basically some Clydes with an internet connection in a basement who thought this was for real and got busy writing petitions, writing Congressmen, harassing Amazon, Microsoft, Google, Rupert Murdoch and anybody else they think is out to steal their brainwaves for the Matrix. I hate Facebook's slimy ways as much as anybody, but privacy is almost over, in fact, I'm pretty sure by the time I qualify to collect Social Security, which is sometime after The Singularity, privacy will be illegal. If you're not on the grid, you will have wished ya' did. Yeah, I know, but Nipsy Russell was out gettin' a haircut, and O.J.'s lawyer was fertilizing a lawn last I heard, so cut me some slack, 'kay, hmmm?

Back to the saga, anyway. This whole thing got blown way out of proportion more than Google's Buzz snafu, and let me tell you, Schmidtty-boy izza smirkin' anna' gigglin' like a five year old watchin' the class egghead get scolded by teacher in kindergarten. This all started with this stupid LIKE button. If you go to a website that has signed on with Faveborg's affiliate program and you like the content, you can click on this stupid LIKE button on the website and - poof- all your Faveborg buddies would see you dig this website, like this article or know you like whacking off to forty-five year old Coppertone ads on the internet and maybe they should keep their kids away from you for about ten or fifteen years. There is a way folks, to avoid this godawful persecution from Zuckybaby-Borg - don't use the LIKE button, ya' schmucks! And if there is any other things you don't want Faveborg to reveal to anybody, learn to navigate your privacy settings, as difficult as it is to manage. You know, some people actually manage to get even Windows to behave, without being super-nerds, 'cos they learn to use their brains. The other option is, of course is to opt out of the Faveborg Collective. Every four to six months there's another cookie cutter story about paranoid schizos, dumbfucks who shouldn't be allowed near the internet and absolute clydes who either dropped out of Faveborg or avoid it like the plague and still use Morse key codes and Ham radios to communicate with the outside world. So if you're that paranoid join the trend. How about starting a group on Faveborg, let's call it "Let's See How Many Faveborg Members We Can Get To Leave Faveborg!"

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